A message to hypochondriacs: you might have an unrecognized superpower.
Perhaps what we've labeled as a propensity toward psychosomatic symptoms is actually a sign that you have a strong mind-body connection?
Recently, I ended up having a migraine for just the second time in my life. Other than a strange episode where I suffered a headache with nausea and dizziness for several days when I was 5 years old, I didn’t really have a reference point for what was happening this time around. It actually had to be pointed out to me in this case that what I was experiencing was, in fact, a migraine.
But wait, I thought, I don’t get migraines…
Getting to the bottom of this occurrence is complicated by the fact that I have a history of frequent (albeit mild-to-moderate) headaches (most often brought-on by eye strain) that don’t fit the criteria for migraines. I’m also susceptible to congestion, sinus pressure, ear infections and eustachian-tube issues. Oh, and I should mention that I’m an Olympic-caliber hypochondriac with a longstanding anxiety disorder that expresses itself as phantom symptoms: mostly, what I call “my imaginary heart condition.”
For over 30 years, I’ve experienced discomfort (more like a concentration of energy) in my chest for which dozens of doctor’s visits have yielded zero concrete basis. In essence, there’s nothing “wrong” with me. And, on a gut level, I’ve always known it. I once had an ER doctor laugh when he saw that I carry around a small pulse oximeter to keep track of my heartrate. He wasn’t being unfair: I was laughing with him. (I still carry the oximeter in my backpack these days, but I hardly ever use it.) Another time, I was seen at a cardiology clinic to have my heartrate monitored while running really fast on a treadmill. I could see the irritation come over the cardiologist’s face as it dawned on her: There’s no reason for this guy to be here.
But, as I’ve realized lately, the flipside of “hypochondria” might be an innate propensity for self-healing…
In the run-up to this recent migraine (while I didn’t yet realize it was a migraine in the making), I’d been experiencing strange symptoms on and off over the course of a few weeks: pressure in my temples, the sense that I might get dizzy with my balance slightly off and tilting to the left, etc. None of these symptoms had reached debilitating levels, but I was concerned. Then, I received a text that my daughter had thrown up profusely at the start of what was supposed to have been a sleepover at a friend’s.
Immediately, my symptoms disappeared. Huh, I marveled, well that’s good to know I can do that…
Impressed with myself and reassured from knowing I’m capable of putting my own ailments aside for my daughter’s sake — at least when it really matters — I attended to my her all night as she threw up five more times. My daughter stabilized fairly quickly, though we kept her home two days from school. I thought I was fine — until I woke up mid-week feeling dizzy, nauseous, and sensitive to light.
All told, I was only down for the count for one night and half a day. I recovered quickly, though not completely. By the second day, I woke up convinced that I was fine — with none of the dizziness, nausea or pain — only to feel weary and tired whenever I was on my feet even for a short time. Each day, I seemed to re-gain more energy and strength, though I mostly had to keep myself relegated to lying down. When I’d lie down, of course, I’d feel like nothing was wrong.
More importantly, the migraine had left an uncanny clarity in its wake. Much like the way the atmosphere feels lighter and moisture-freshened after the retreat of a heavy thunderstorm, a heightened awareness of my physiology had just… materialized. Although I’d been weakened by the intensity of stress that the migraine had exerted on my system, I felt settled — like a vulnerable but sturdy little rowboat gently skating across the calm waters of restoration after being badly shaken.
The thing is: this awareness extended outwards over time, too. Now, I was conscious of previous points in my life — a temporal-physical dimension to memory like a roadmap with dots connecting to other dots. A meshwork of sensations dating all the way back to that initial childhood headache cohered into a picture that made sense…
A few days later, I rode my bike to my primary care doctor’s clinic in an attempt to be seen as a walk-in. I got there just after they’d stopped seeing walk-in patients. On arrival, my temples were throbbing — not at migraine-level, but enough for me to be unsure of what to do. Should I go to the emergency room? I wondered. Because I was hungry, I opted to ride my bike to get a meal, heading in the opposite direction of the hospital.
If I’m still uncomfortable after I eat, I resolved, I’ll go to the ER afterwards. I also decided to ride my bike at a leisurely pace and relax all the muscles in my head. Within just a couple of minutes, the pressure cleared up completely. It was as if I’d turned a dial down. It had been intentional, but also somewhat automatic, almost un-conscious. Again, I marveled. I was still somewhat in the dark about the cause(s) behind this constellation of symptoms, but this was the second time in a matter of days that I’d stumbled on this incredible tool that I now knew I had at my disposal.
Not incidentally, illness has a way of breaking you down to the point where you feel stripped of the ability to keep stewing in hostility towards other people. Getting sick humbles you, opening you up by force to be more understanding. Just prior to my migraine episode, I’d had a heated work conflict that stirred-up huge dust clouds of combative energy in my system. On walking back outside from my meal, another realization came into view: even when you’re in conflict with them, you can speak to other people’s desire to apply themselves in the ways they know how.
In other words, people mostly feel like they’re doing the right thing, even when they’re at cross purposes with you. Another, more direct way of putting it is: speak to people’s desire to be loved. Because everyone’s doing what they’re doing, on some level, in order to satisfy their desire to feel adequate, validated, approved-of and, ultimately, loved.
As it stands right now, I haven’t experienced the same severity of symptoms since the migraine, though various mid-level issues continue to nag on-and-off. I’ve been seen at my health clinic by the nurse practitioner there, who prescribed a medication named sumatripan, with plans for me to go to the eye clinic and a neurologist. “Wait,” I asked her, “so we’re just going forward under the presumption that I have migraines now?”
“Well,” she answered, “they can come-on at any point in life.”
I thanked her and left the clinic thinking: I’m probably never gonna need those meds because I don’t have migraines! That was just a blip. I’ll pick up the prescription another day…
I went straight home. The very next day, I woke up with what I could now recognize as the same precursory symptoms that I’d had two weeks prior: what I would describe as a kind of “pre-nausea,” with an accompanying distress in my digestive system. Whoa, I thought, and I high-tailed it to the pharmacy.
Since then, I’ve read the info sheet that the pharmacist slipped into the plastic sleeve along with the pills:
SIDE EFFECTS: Flushing, feelings of tingling/ numbness/ prickling/ heat, tiredness, weakness, drowsiness, or dizziness may occur. If any of these effects last or get worse, tell your doctor or pharmacist promptly.
Remember that this medication has been prescribed because your doctor has judged that the benefit to you is greater than the risk of side effects.
Many people using this medication do not have serious side effects. This medication may raise your blood pressure. Check your blood pressure regularly and tell your doctor if the results are high.
Wait, what the fuck?!?! It gets worse:
Sumatripan can commonly cause chest/ jaw/ neck tightness, pain, or pressure that is usually not serious. However, these side effects are like the symptoms of a [cardiac arrest]…
GOOD GRIEF. The list of potential side effects goes on an on, but I’ve seen enough!
I happened to read that printout while speaking to my pharmacist, who cheerfully reassured me that, if I hadn’t experienced any side effects the first time I took the medication, it should be fine. I really like the nurse practitioner at my clinic, but I was struck by how casually the decision had been made to prescribe me a medication with these kinds of potential side effects without anyone discussing them with me ahead of time — especially given my anxiety profile and my recurrent stress around potential heart issues.
Just because no heart issues have ever manifested doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be able to drive myself crazy at the mere possibility that I could experience something as awful as those symptoms sound. But, on reading that section of the page, I again inadvertently snapped into a previously hidden gear of… reflexive self-maintenance?
This medication, I thought to myself, is not the answer for me. And with that, the lingering, vaguely-defined swirl of head symptoms tamped down yet again. They didn’t disappear completely, but there was a definite, instantaneous ripple effect as my body asserted its message, which was wordless but direct and resolute: there’s a lot you can do for yourself, and it’s up to you whose hands you put your trust in.
On experiencing these sudden changes for the better a few times in such a short span, I can only conclude that what we refer to as “hypochondria” might just be evidence of an acutely activated mind-body connection. So, to all you so-called hypochondriacs out there, what you’ve been viewing as an unhealthy, mysterious affliction of the mind might in fact be a superpower.
If you’re highly suggestible to the idea that something could be wrong in your system, then you’re just likely to be respond to suggestions of things being right in your system too.
I recommend you put that suggestibility to use in your own favor — and that you treat yourself to a laugh watching the clips above and below…
<3 SRK